"When God's Favor Coincides With Your Force, You Become Unstoppable."
- Bishop T.D. Jakes, Maximize the Moment
I did not realize how much I not only had to, but felt compelled to follow the thing that was in my heart, over what everyone else thought was 'safe' to do. In hard times, I faithfully waited on God to give me a sign and for him to order my steps because if things were getting rocky, I knew God was my saving grace. Despite the challenges I faced, there was a supernatural force opening and closing doors in which paved the way to my dreams. As a kid, being a first generation college student was at the top of my list. Being from the 'hood, there were deliberate steps that had to be taken so that I would not be deterred from that plan. Because there was no better explanation than God's intervention, I subconsciously believed that if I remained strong, he will work it all out, just as he always did. I'd keep my head low and not panic, but center myself and reflect. There were seeds planted in my heart that I felt made me feel unique to the world I was a part of. Because I wholeheartedly believed in myself from those planted seeds, they have been the manifestation of my formative narrative. That narrative is wielding the Holy Spirit.
When I was going through a rough time in my past relationship, I felt compelled to hold on and to let go. I wanted to hold on because I wanted to believe that one day we will get to the goodness. Harmony was very difficult for us to attain outside of the context of parenting. We were great parents as a team, but individually we could not maintain peace. I was still in school, working full-time, and I had good help at home with my spouse. He was hands on, he cooked well, and he was always available to take care of our daughter while I was busy in class, cleaning, or getting ready to go somewhere. But deep down I knew it wasn't working. I felt he deserved better emotionally. Emotionally I was cold.
I wanted to let go because I had things I needed to work on, that I could not focus on within the context of a relationship, that asked for parts of me that I did not have for myself to share with someone else.
Ultimately it was damaging for both parties. Every time I agreed to continue to "work on the relationship" it felt like self-betrayal. I felt I was being disobedient. My reason for staying had nothing to do with love, trust, or understanding. Every time I chose convenience over what I knew to be 'true,' I felt that I was telling God that I didn't trust him to take care of me if I ended it. After having one too many of the same fights, it came to a halt. Finally, it ended forreal. This time physically. No more broken up but still sleeping in the same bed. He moved back home 5hrs away.
We went our separate ways and started to build our lives apart. Our daughter was suspended in the middle of us both wanting to still be as present with her, as we previously were. She has lived with him for some time and have lived with me for some time. I wish I can say it was always amicable between us, it was not. Thankfully, we have found a healthy balance in sharing ourselves with our daughter equally. She has had the opportunity to live with the both of us and experience all we have to teach her in seasons. We too are still learning how to move forward as parents and as better people as best as we know how.
After the relationship ended, my journey began.
In the book Maximize the Moment, Bishop T.D. Jakes wrote "Once [God] gives you the plan you must have the courage to make the necessary decisions to conform your life into the IMAGE of the plan." This resonated with me because I knew there was work to be done if I wanted to grow into the right person, to have the life I wanted to live. This article will delve into the process I used to gather the strength to give myself permission to be that person. Despite the experience I was accustomed to. I could not have peace in "that is just the way I am." I wanted to be better. First I had to be well.
When my relationship ended, I was empowered in one instance, but disempowered in others. I was empowered in the things I had previously struggled with before my relationship: I learned what effort and commitment looked like, I learned what boundaries looked like, I had more insight on what I could not tolerate from others in dating, and started to assess the relationships & friendships I still had. To be frank, I had a huge revelation about how a lack of boundaries, assertiveness, and self-worth contributed to the heartbreak I had endured within my relationship and past situation-ships. From there, I was on a journey to rebuild these skills, so that I can create bonds that SHARE safety, love, and growth.
Communication
First on the docket, I wanted to sharpen my communication skills. I needed to hold conversations, especially with the opposite sex. No more texting, no more surface level conversations. I wanted to explore the mind and heart of others. Now that I had more data about myself, I used this data to inform my search in finding what would work for me. What was hard about this new data was the new ability to see how these characteristics showed up in others who struggles with the same things. Being aware of this contributed wisdom to forecast the future issues that could grow from it. It is a good thing to recognize flaws that could destroy or derail you. Beware of too much fear that can be debilitating.
That is why heart posture is so important. Know your inner truth, and communicate your principles. Asserting your values and principles will teach others what works best for you. In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Dr. Nedra Tawwab eloquently explains how boundaries can save our life and relationships. She explains how unmet expectations are the death of many relationships. Just because you say something once or twice, does not equate to others understanding what you expect. You have to reiterate it and enforce it every time. Those who love you and respect you will attempt to meet your expectations or at least gain clarification of where you are coming from. You should notice effort in others to uphold your boundaries and want to do what they can to conserve your connection.
It is similar to our relationship with God. If I seek God with honesty, I seek to understand his heart and his will, I will find my way back to my center right in the middle of my mess. Seeking him purifies us, and with his help, we will learn how to adopt his teachings on navigating uncomfortable circumstances. When I fail, he accepts me. I use his word to learn how I can become better in my walk, and then I go out and try again.
Learning how to communicate effectively and with love and salt, is a superpower that allows you permission to deliver messages that ends conflict, prevents miscommunication, and also allows an openness that help us experience God's grace. Remember that our words are very powerful; Our heart posture is very powerful, and the impact of both of those are predominant to the future health in relationships we want to cherish. Listen more, judge less, understand more, and show compassion to others. I have an affirmation written on a post-it that reads "compassion is a deep well that moves heaven on behalf of others."
Next on the docket, I wanted to become vulnerable. I lacked vulnerability even though I was very transparent. I had my own way that shared I cared for others. I listened, gave advice, motivated, did kind things, was loyal, made them feel comfortable in who they were. However, I was hard. I was hard in that even if someone did insult me, hurt my feelings, or did wrong to me, I was cold towards offenses. While this is a solid defense mechanism, turning your "alarm system" off, also turns off your discernment for other emotions (things that make you happy or things that make you feel uncomfortable). Ultimately, you lose the skill to protect yourself and trust yourself if you lack vulnerability. Your threshold for emotions are so low that the slightest positive response will feel like love, when it is not even the slightest. Contrary, the biggest act of betrayals will feel like just another day.
When I began using my courage to embrace vulnerability, it was terrifying. I was used to insulting others with wisecracks, especially with guys, that I realized I rarely ever used compliments as a connection builder. When I tried to use endearment with others, I would say something sweet and have an entire meltdown frenzy waiting for their response! Actually, I did not wait haha. I would put the thread on mute or 'do not disturb' and would throw my phone after pressing 'send.' I was afraid of how they would respond. Honestly, I believed they actually wouldn't respond. I was used to being left hanging when I was vulnerable. It was not until I tried this with someone who had the emotional capacity to receive me, that I learned it wasn't frightening at all. It was actually soothing. The more I leaned in the more it was reciprocated. A new level of inner power is unlocked when you allow yourself to feel all the things (even more so to surround yourself with those who also allow all the feels). To feel everything is to be unrestricted.
After practicing the first and second point, I felt new. The mental and emotional blocks I had that made me feel broken was fixed. I did not feel bound to old hurt or old shame. However, I was still discontent with my life. I learned that I was less like I used to be, so now I was at odds internally, with the people that helped that old version of me. Not because they were wrong per se, but I understood better that these people were attached to my old trauma, and I required something different for my better future self. I felt that no PERSON could actually help me to the degree my soul thirsted for. Everyone have their own mountains to climb. We're all on our own journey and within our personal rights to selfishly pursue it. So I wanted to take my focus away from helping others get over their hurdles and tend to my own garden. It was time for me to bloom.
It was a very confusing and depressing time for me to know that nothing was tangibly wrong in my world: I had a place of my own, I had a new car, a stable job, me and daughter's relationship was budding and maturing, and I was spending needed time with my family. But I was so low in spirit. I felt boxed in and restricted. Money was tight and I did not have the funds to splurge like I once could, and I couldn't hang out as much as I had the option to do so. I did not like my public library job, it required a lot of emotional labor, unlike that of an academic library. I applied to over 50 jobs, in which I only received 3 rejections from. The other 47 never said a word back. So I felt stuck, and in a very hopeless place in the middle of the pandemic. My despair really came from the truth that I didn't think a new job was going to relieve my unhappiness. All jobs seemed like a disruption to what I wanted or needed in that moment. Like I explained in my previous article 7 ways to seek his presence daily, I had a revelation that turned my perspective on its head and gave me a new lot on life.
I was ready to surrender to the one thing that always seemed like the most scariest thing in the world.
It is very important to me to assert that if I had not open up my heart completely to light, I would have possibly resisted Christ's love as well. Being afraid to give myself wholeheartedly would have enabled me to create excuses against moving forward. Without that fear, this allowed me to give my full trust to God without bread-crumbing him only with parts of me I did not mind sharing. If it does not cost you greatly, it is not a true sacrifice.
Surrendering is the humility of knowing that you cannot endure this world without help and guidance from God. He knows firsthand what it is like to be in this world, and he knows for certain what could come from it. To know that God loves you and has a plan for you is the beginning of peace. In peace, you could be in the most tumultuous season of your life, with no sign of a way out, but you just know that you are not alone and it is working out for your good. Surrendering looks like submitting your will and ways to a higher power. No matter how it may look, what terrible thing could happen, or how impossible it appears from your human perspective, surrender to the one who will not fail. He is your star player.
We have the spoken word, receptiveness of the spirit, surrendering your will, and finally mastering self. Self-control is the nucleus of self-love. Obedience is the nucleus of love for God. I found that having self-control saved me from avoidable tribulations. When we think of discipline, it usually involves a fast, a diet, or a fitness goal. We hear year after year, how some people think these two commitments will inevitably solve a problem they have...year after year. The truth of the matter is, it has to be a lifestyle, where you adopt those principles of a healthy and fit life into your daily habits. Not only for a limited time. That is not how change and growth occur.
When you get to the season of your life where you are willing to surrender your ways and will over to God, you will face the persistent challenge of adopting Godly principles of the Bible, to live an authentic righteous life. Beware that God does not force us to stop sinning, he is a patient father who will let you make your own decisions. So the decision will always be yours. However, if you try to be obedient and have self-control, you will find there's a healthy and effective intention beside each principle in the Bible. Principles against obsessive drinking, drugs, uncovered sexuality, anger, wrath, dishonesty, pride. etc. These values are not to suck the fun out of your life, but to preserve your light. While there are epic experiences that are associated with these vices, there will be a time in your life where you agree that there were also unpleasant nuances that were present as well.
Proverbs 25:28: Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.
Sometimes we associate good times with bad choices. As you grow and become healthy, you may realize that those times were only fun because your judgement was impaired. If that is the case, I would think that believing you were having "fun" might have been impaired as well. You ever stayed sober through a social gathering and found that it was not actually fun? Remember those fun times that were filled with embarrassment, humiliation, drama, danger, and lacked tack? Accept that realization. If you don't accept that, you will only keep chasing those past highs, thinking you need stronger drugs or stronger more expensive liquor to enjoy yourself. You will seek people who excel in foolishness because you'll never have a dull moment in their presence. I understand wanting to let loose, it's liberating. Liberation can be a double-edged sword, so be cautious. Accepting that your soul needs more substance will help you find peace in your search for self. Adopt customs that build you up, fill you up, and settles your heart, mind and soul. Habits that add value to your image, that help you overcome your fears, that also add value to others. In that process you will set a standard in how you treat yourself, what you allow in your life, and ultimately how you allow others to treat you.
Romans 12:2: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Conclusion
Learning these skills will not free you of failure. They will not fix you, they will just free up clutter in your mind and heart, so that you make room for Jesus to be the Lord over your life. I have heard many times that everything we need will always already be inside of us. I concur. There is a seed inside of you that needs external resources to harvest. I have an affirmation on my bathroom mirror that reads "there's an entire new level of authority, blessing, and favor whenever we decide to be obedient in the Holy Spirit." If you let him all the way in and let him work his power, you will uncover the highest version of you through his will. God is the perfect partner. Help him, help you, help him.
Glory be to God,
Jasmine's History
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