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There were moments where I believed that I had made far too many mistakes and stepped too far outside of the will of God, due to my pride, stubbornness, rebelliousness, and ignorance. I found myself in situation-ship after situation-ship in my teen years that followed me into adulthood. Not for nothing though, even though situation-ships bring you nothing but disorientation, but because honestly I was more comfortable with limited love. This is humorous because this type of constricted love is not comfortable nor safe at all. Yet to me, limited love allowed me freedom to live the carefree life I craved. I wanted to be free to do what I deemed as fun without resistance. And let me tell you, I did have my fun, and I'm glad to have had the experience. While I was allowed to explore great lengths in my singleness, I was also experiencing great grief because of these limited acquaintances. Great Grief! I fell into a great depression from Spring 2014 until Fall 2015. The first round was that 'can't get out the bed, missing class depression.' I missed class for a least two weeks straight! I told my friends I would go out with them, I would get fully dressed, and then I would take my party dress off and get back in the bed. Gloom would fall over me and I would self-loathe. I had soul ties I did not know how to break, and a lovesickness I could not forgive myself for. I was down bad. Eventually I went home for the summer of 2014, smelled the grass, and took some time at home, away from the toxic hustle of college.
The second round of depression in Fall 2014- Spring 2015 was more functional. I went to class and I participated in my club organizations, but I was depending on drinking and smoking to get by. I was out every night in some capacity trying to escape the dread. Not so much the club anymore. The long lines and high heels hustle was not the vibe by Junior year, but house socials, happy hours, and block parties. I was being very irresponsible in this season of depression and I lost more than I gained. But God is a redeemer, and there is always a reckoning in your wreck.
I really wanted to be a part of a sorority and because I had put off my responsibilities to escape myself, I did not have the grades to apply when the time came. I also wanted to be the president of my community service organization, and I lost the election and the respect of some of the members, because I was chasing popularity and parties more than I was chasing service. I had missed several member events because I prioritize juice parties over my obligations. They wanted a leader that was focused, reliable and dependable.
I also was spending money I already did not have on these activities and not paying my rent. So I was facing eviction by the summer of 2015 and I had to move out of my college apartment and back home for the summer and work at Wendy's to get myself together. By the end of the depression and that summer it was time to go back to school. I had to search for a new apartment because my old roommates, who were also my best friends, had gotten a new roommate in my absence. This separation became my biggest blessing in college because it broke my unhealthy obligation of friendship that demanded so much of me mentally, and spiritually. That move saved my life. I had classes 2 days out of the week because I enrolled late, so this gave me a lot of time to actually study and focus on school. Because I didn't live among the crowd, I had control of me and my actions: I was not leaving the library early just because others wanted to and they were my ride. I now lived walking distance from campus, so I was able to walk to campus around 8PM and back home if I needed to stay until 2AM. I was not pressured into smoking, drinking, or to buy fast food. I even was selected to go study abroad in China because I had been more involved into my major than I was into club memberships. Everything was coming together for me.
After a Summer in China in 2016, I finally got into a relationship with an old love from high school, and began to experience that full love I had been missing. Consequently, I also found out I was pregnant just two months in. That story in itself is a blog post at a later time. That experience bought me to my knees and propelled the dire need to strengthen my relationship with God. In the context of this blog post though, it was all necessary for my journey because I believe God needed to get a hold of me desperately. If that never happened I would've chased some frivolous dream for money and status because I was free and there was nothing to stop me. A relationship helped me grow into womanhood, parenthood, and mastering stability. But it was a heartbreaking experience. Motherhood was a beautiful but heartbreaking experience. I have been piecing myself back together since 2016 and I am still not all the way there.
I felt that because I had messed up so much, that it was impossible for me to undo it all. I felt cornered and without many options, and thought I should be happy to settle and settle some more. I felt it was too late for me to have the life I wanted. Depending on who you listen to, it will feel very real and daunting. A single mother with a public service job that paid just enough to avoid eviction, but nothing left over. A custody struggle that was never-ending because its difficult equally sharing a child one-hundred percent. But the mental battle of still knowing that a new life different from my own, was a major decision away. I still want to live the typical suburban lifestyle with my children and have the means and access to help my family grow from poverty. I was in such a hole, a dark abyss of regret, shame, unworthiness, and hopelessness that it felt like nothing normal can undo the damage I felt I had caused. I needed something supernatural. Something miraculous. I found myself talking to myself and thinking aloud "I just want someone to SAVE ME!"
Ironically, all that Vacation Bible School started to come back to me. Now it makes sense! That is why they say that God can SAVE you! I felt instant relief. I had an answer to my cry. After losing my entire mind and life, I can say that I am in a more balanced place in my life. I know that the worst and best is still yet to come, but now I have a relationship, an understanding, and a way, that surpasses any struggle. This relationship makes me feel so safe, seen, heard, and loved. It is the answer to my deepest questions and concerns. The best companion and friendship that brings me peace and gives me joy. Building this relationship has helped me submit to every area of my life with care, wisdom, and patience. Getting closer to God is the most beautiful decision for your life. The sooner you accept this revelation the better life can be for you and everyone who encounters you.
At His Feet
"People think salvation is about what they have to give up or lose, and I see it as 'look at what all you have to gain!"
Philippians 1:6 (NKJV) : "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."
At one of my lowest moments when I thought that there was nowhere for me to turn in my despair but to give up on life altogether, a thought came over me and I believe it began with the bible. I remember talking to my mom and she suggested that whatever I had said seemed like a good idea and I should probably reach out to my great aunt. My great aunt has been saved my whole life. She was the one my grandma ran to for prayer and anointing in times of difficulty. My aunt whole life evolved around God. Even her television was set on the Christian channel. Yes, THAT Sanctified. Well when my mom suggested I speak to her, a light bulb went off in my head and my eyes welled up with tears because that was the best idea I did not know I needed. I knew in my spirit that having her to turn to, to direct me in growing deeper into God, was the answer in that moment. When I say her I do not mean that only she could get me there, I mean to have access to a her; someone who has been faithful. Someone who's method was not "perfect" but the fruits of her devotion were definitely blessed and true. So I called her and we had a long and deep conversation about God and how that relationship acted as a model for her and her personal life (marriage & family). She said something that has stuck with me and inspired me in my journey. She said, "People think salvation is about what they have to give up or lose, and I see it as 'look what all you have to gain!" That was the precipice of my surrender.
She suggested the "Spirit-Filled Life Bible NKJV" by Thomas Nelson as a great study bible. Well at that time the bible was sold out and was on back-order at retail sites, so I was unable to get it as quickly as I liked. Well in the meantime, someone donated a devotional book to our bookstore at my library and I happened to see it and keep it for myself and it changed my life. What an on-time God. The devotional is called "At His Feet" by Chris Tiegreen. What I found so great about this devotional compared to others is, this devotional is about God and then you. Every page tells you who God is, what he is all about (no sugar coating) and then gives you a reassurance that he is worth following, believing in, and trusting with your soul. At the end of each devotional is a charge to incorporate the teaching into your way of life.
What I want to share with you today is everything I have gained so far by standing with God. I had always had church in my life and I knew I can talk with God when I needed him. I knew miracles was because of God, but I understood life a lot more objectively when I chose to walk with God. When I felt that I knew the desires of his heart and what role I played in his Kingdom. I feel that I have met myself through God. From the early stages up until now, God affirmed me in my spirit. Here are some quotes and truths that I recite that keeps my heart and mind open to the greatness of God. Through His Way I have disciplined myself in a way that has consistently "perfected" me in his image.
7 ways I strengthen My Walk With God
1. I wholeheartedly pursue God as my responsibility.
After making so many decisions for myself on my own, I feel convicted enough to allow God to be in control. Even if the decisions I made previously were dignified at the moment, I feel that I have enough data to believe there was still a wiser way that could've prevented conflicts, setbacks, shame, and regret. I surrender everything to Him. Surrendering can be hard. We want control of our life. We do not want others having dominion over us, but with God it is different. He is the one who gave us the dreams, the ideas, and the vision. You are surrendering your plan for the best plan. Everyday I find someway to connect with God. I use prayer, devotional books, YouVersion Bible Plans, Gospel music, YouTube Sermons, and Podcasts to wash my life against the word or other biblical principles. This way I am managing my expectations, my perspective and positioning my heart to address the day ahead.
2. WWJD is a real standard
"What would Jesus Do?" became popular when I was young and it sounded like a parody to use when someone was leaning toward being cynical, vengeful, or stubborn. Not too far from the truth, but people should really reconsider WWJD when they want to represent the goodness of the Holy Spirit in edification. Jesus overarching value is love. Love trumps being nice, generous, or faithful. Love is the most important commandment. Love is the fruit of the spirit that embodies everything perfect about the Lord Jesus. Love not only when it is easy and earned. Love others in spite of differences, betrayal, and hate. Love is how they will learn.
3. Edification is key
Christians are scolded for encouraging "perfect faith" and also for not being in perfect faith. Christians have to be careful to encourage faith in grace and in mercy, while also extending mercy to others and themselves. This is a two-way street, but as the Lord declares a "double-edged sword." Whether you are just starting out or a faithful servant for the Lord, there will be times when you are compelled to correct others in love, but you will be corrected in the same breath. Accept this in humility. No matter how seasoned you are in your walk, sometimes we become so confident in our walk we develop an air of self-righteousness. When called out on this ironically, we then ask that others should extend grace if we were wrong. Edification is the act of building each other in the body of Christ. Use this tool in friendship and in your marriage. We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God [Romans 3:23].
4. Prayer is how you enter conversation with God, scripture is how he communicates back.
I read "Circle Maker" by Matt Batterson and it was great manual to teach me about the practice of prayer, its power, and its faithfulness. Batterson explained how prayer will be the transcript of our lives. I like to journal my prayers. I journal my prayers in gratitude journals, prayer journals, planners and notebooks. When I look back at my prayers six and 24 months later, I see how my wishes have come to life. I see how my wishes evolved, what wishes were answered, and what things worried me. When I ask God a specific question that I have about a portion of my life, my thinking, or my ways, in one of the ways I pursue God (music, bible, devotional, podcast), I receive an answer. Prayer is also where you should be vulnerable. Bring your shortcomings and sins to God, so that he can fight your battles. He cannot fix what you wont bring to him. Trust him with the good, bad, and ugly.
5. I guard my heart
In life, it is paramount to guard your heart from growing bitter. According to scripture, from the heart all things flow [Matthew 6:21]. When your heart is in the correct posture, it is hard to make the wrong call in haste. God suggests that you think of EVERY thing worthy of praise around you. Find gratitude in everything that you have so you do not lose the 'light' that you need to keep you hopeful for a new day. Feed yourself daily. It is called 'Daily Bread' because more than our need for food, we need God EVERYDAY. He gives us the tools we need to seize the day to carry out his will. From your heart, good things will flow out of your mouth and into your relationships, decisions, assets, and legacy. Do not let the enemy penetrate your heart with darkness.
6. I try to guard my mouth
The biggest mountain in my walk is my mouth. I have always prided myself in being honest. I let anything fall off my tongue as long as I deem it as the truth. However, in God's Kingdom you have to watch your mouth. Our words can destroy a nation and build one. It is said to watch your words because they can become a reality. It is truth. The enemy is the prince of the air and he is waiting for you to reveal your weak spots so that he can steal, kill, and destroy your spirit. Don't be the reason someone else doubt themselves, question their faith, or give up the good fight. Recite this verse anytime you are struggling to guard your tongue.
Psalms 141:3: "Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips."
7. I walk a 'Pace of Grace'
The power of the Holy Spirit moves quickly in you; you will be filled with excitement and confidence, the more you learn and believe. While the mighty power of God is unsurmountable, he is not a God of hurry. He does not move on the timeline of the World. His timing is everything. Trust that when it is time to move, you will know. Do not limit God's perfect plan for a temporary win. Discontentment is a fruit of the world. God will use every moment to develop His Will for you. Every detail is an important piece to how your life will give him glory. Live for his glory, for eternity.
In Conclusion
When we reflect on our life, it is helpful to acknowledge how even though things may not go according to your plan, that God had his eye on you. Things can one day just SHIFT and your story takes a new direction. Thank God for His Mercy. God is perfect. His instructions have power and validity. He intends to give you eternal life not just an eventful temporary one. If you let him into your life, you will gain your life. You will gain your best 'you.' Not without challenges, but never alone. He is always with you.
Philippians 1:9-11: [9] And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, [10] so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, [11] filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
With Love,
Jasmine's History.
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